The Logic Of Jealousy
by cassandra quail
Summary: Spock is finding it difficult to keep a lid on one emotion in particular. Talking to Kirk about it provides a surprising answer. Kirk/Spock. A first attempt, so feedback would be nice.


_Another successful mission, _thought Captain Kirk, a satisfied smile playing on his lips as he sat down on the bridge. "Ahead to the nearest starbase, Sulu; warp two."

"Aye aye, sir. Warp two," repeated Sulu.

Jim Kirk reclined back in his chair, a dreamy glaze clouding his eyes. Spock glanced over from the science station, and was immediately hit by a familiar difficulty in controlling his emotions. Underneath his composed, emotionless exterior was a gnawing bubble of anxiety that even his highly trained Vulcan mind was unable to suppress. It was such a _human_ feeling, and this vexed him almost as much as the feeling itself. He found himself wishing he could meld with the captain, and see for himself what was going on behind those eyes.

The captain caught his eye and he hurriedly turned his attention back to the science station, pretending to be busy. _This is highly illogical, _he thought to himself, with some alarm.

"Are you... all right Mr Spock?" asked Jim, a hint of amusement in his voice. "Why if I didn't know better, I'd say you were looking rather flustered."

"I am quite all right, Captain," he assured, though he hoped Jim would realise that he was not.

He thought he saw a questioning expression in Jim's eyes but by the time he looked again, it had been replaced with a half-vacant, half-musing expression and he couldn't be sure that he had not simply imagined it out of wishful thinking. He turned back to his station, took a deep breath and attempted to regain his composure.

* * *

In the mess hall, Spock was sipping slowly at a bowl of plomeek soup, reading over the most recent mission logs. He was trying hard to focus on the scientific curiosities, but he found that he was losing his focus and his mind wandered involuntarily to the captain and his relationships with various women.

He was becoming perturbed by how easily his mind was losing focus. It was becoming difficult to keep a lid on his emotions and he knew that he would not be able to bear the embarrassment of what felt like an inevitable emotional outburst. He carefully placed his spoon next to the bowl and quickly carried the tray back to the food slot before hurrying out of the door towards his quarters.

"Spock! Where in blazes are you going at that speed?" asked Doctor McCoy as he leapt out of the Vulcan's way.

"My apologies, Doctor. I should have paid more attention," he replied curtly, and left before the doctor could say another word.

McCoy narrowed his eyes, and muttered, "Well I'll be damned."

* * *

"Spock? May I come in?" called Jim's voice through the door, interrupting Spock's meditation.

Spock paused for a moment, before responding, "Enter."

He quickly extinguished his candles and rose to greet the captain. The meditation had done some good at least; for the first time all day he felt fully in control of his emotions.

"Captain. Is something the matter?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Spock," said Jim.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"No – don't say anything. Not yet. I've just finished dinner with the good doctor and he appeared to be quite concerned. He said you seemed to be acting, and I quote, 'most illogically' Spock."

Spock looked into his captain's eyes for what Jim thought felt like hours, before finally admitting, "Yes, Captain. Indeed I have been acting illogically. It has been most... Unpleasant."

"Well? Is there something you need to tell me?" said Jim, his face softening. "Come on, Spock. You know that you can tell me, whatever it is."

Spock wondered if the captain would ever understand the intense shame that accompanied any lapse in his mastery of emotion. But on the other hand, Jim was right; Spock knew that he could tell Jim anything that troubled him, and it would in fact be illogical not to voice his fears.

"If I may speak candidly, Jim, there is one emotion I am finding unusually difficult to suppress at the moment. I believe humans call it _jealousy_."

"You're jealous of my relationships with others?" said Jim, and Spock was irritated to notice that he looked a little bemused.

"Well," said Spock, with a short pause. "I have observed human culture and it seems that humans usually choose one mate. Therefore when you are infatuated with someone else I am forced to conclude that you do not and cannot love me."

"No," Jim said immediately, his arms reaching out towards his unsure lover. "No, no, no, Spock. You've got it all wrong. Many humans have a somewhat limited definition of love, I will grant you that, but my love for you transcends any other flirtations or relationships I could possibly have. I could never stop loving you. You must believe me, Spock."

Spock left the captain's arms empty, uncertain as to his meaning. "So, what you are saying, Jim, is that you can feel love and attraction towards others without diminishing your feelings for me?"

Jim nodded. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Fascinating. You never cease to amaze me, Jim."

"I love you, Spock."

"And I, you," replied Spock, and finally took Jim's hands, rubbing his fingers tenderly.

"I'm sorry you felt jealous," Jim said. He reached up and stroked Spock's cheek. "I wish I had known earlier. I shouldn't have teased you on the bridge. If you want to meld, you'll see that I love you as much as I ever did."

Spock's hands gently caressed the cheeks of the man in front of him, and the captain's arms wrapped comfortably around his waist. Their lips brushed and they locked in a deep kiss as their minds joined together. Spock felt himself smile, but for once he wasn't embarrassed. He was just happy to feel the depth and beauty of Jim's love, safe in the knowledge that he would never need to feel jealous again.


End file.
